Tracy Gorden - Cancer Survivor

Gosh, where does my story begin? I guess technically it started in late 2005 when I was having some real problems with my stomach and gaining weight. I have never been a "small boned" woman being 6'1'' and athletic most of my life, but I started putting on weight no matter how much or how little I was eating or exercising. I wasn't really having any other major health problems at the time except for acid reflux and a hypothyroidism that I had for over 10 years prior to this, so my primary doctor really didn't think too much of it. In fact, neither did I. I was 35 at the time, had just graduated with my Associates Degree in Criminal Justice, and was planning to get a new job that I had always dreamed about. I had uprooted my life moving from Wisconsin to central Florida to help my parents as they bought a home in Florida to get away from the harsh winters up north. They were all settled and I was ready to get back out on my own.

I graduated in January of 2006 and was beginning my job search when my symptoms in my abdomen just continued to get worse. Not drastically or dramatically worse, but the symptoms persisted and did begin to cause me a lot of discomfort. One day after work, I called my primary doctor and asked him to refer me to a specialist. The attempts he had made to change the current medications I had been on for my acid reflux and hypothyroidism were not making any difference and I had a sneaking suspicion something else was going on that neither of us was aware of. He returned my phone call and told me that I should go to the local emergency room and have my abdomen evaluated there that night. He told me he could have scheduled me an appointment at a local imaging center, but it could take 2-3 weeks to get an appointment and this was the quickest route we had available. So off to the Emergency Room I went. After being there for almost 10 hours and almost walking out, I was finally seen. I had my first CT scan that night, January 20, 2006. That night is when my journey truly began.

The doctor came in the room and told me that it was very difficult to see what the results of the scan were due to a large amount of fluid that was in my abdomen as well as some in the lining of my left lung. He said that he could see a mass of about 4-5 cm on my right ovary. He had already called a gynecologist for consultation and they wanted to see me for further testing. I was in a state of shock to say the least. What did this mean? Why was there fluid in my lung and in my abdomen? What was the mass? It was completely overwhelming. I was sent home and told that I would be contacted the next day by the gynecologist to schedule an appointment for the next set of tests.

The gynecologist did call the next day, I had an appointment for something called a trans-vaginal ultrasound and a CA-125 blood test set up, and I needed to be there. The doctor was holding her clinic open after hours so I could be seen. This was really my first indication that something was seriously wrong with me. Still, up to this point, I truly believed that whatever was wrong with me could be fixed with some sort of medication or something simple. I went to the appointment, which was also my first meeting with this doctor. She was wonderful. She explained to me for the first time what she thought was going on. She told me that I had a mass, most likely a cyst, on my right ovary that needed to be removed. Her assistant performed the ultrasound, but due to the large amount of fluid in my abdomen, it was quite difficult to see what was happening inside me. She told me she was fully qualified to perform the surgery to remove the mass, but without knowing exactly what we were dealing with, she would prefer to send me to see a gynecological oncologist. A what? I had never heard of one of those before! She gave me three options for major hospitals in my area where I would get the top care. After making an informed decision, I chose one and she set up the appointment for me. I was being seen in less than a week by this specialist too? Ok, now the red flags were starting to go up. Things seemed to be moving at a fast, almost urgent, pace. Now I was starting to get very nervous.

I was on my way to yet another specialist, still not truly knowing what we were dealing with. I had stacks of paper work and scans from the last two doctors I had seen to take with me to the gynecological oncologist. She came into the room and began going through the mounting pile of paper work in order to get some of my history. By this time, the results of the CA-125 blood tests had come back and she informed me that in a normal, healthy woman, that number should be below 35. Mine was 1,045. At this point, I still had no idea what that meant. She looked at other blood work that had been done and we began to talk. The first time someone was sitting down with me and explaining what had been happening to me for the last two weeks. She told me that the CA-125 was a cancer marker (a WHAT??) and that it was used with the trans-vaginal ultrasound in diagnosing Ovarian cancer. (CANCER?!?!) She looked me straight in the eye and said, although some of the blood work and test results pointed towards the fact that I might have cancer, there were many tests that had been done that did not. In essence, what she was telling me was that no matter what, that cyst had to be removed, but she was not convinced that I had cancer. The symptoms, signs, and test results just weren't there. She did want me to have the fluid removed from the lining of my left lung as well as have some of the fluids removed from my abdomen and tested prior to surgery. One of the residents came in with a long needle, a small hose, and a bottle and proceeded to insert the needle into my abdomen and drain off 2 liters of fluid. I felt a million times better! Then another appointment was set up for the draining of my lung lining, a pre-op appointment, and a surgery date. All of this took place in the course of less than four weeks.

On February 15, 2006, I was prepped for surgery. Going in, my gynecological oncologist was STILL not convinced by all the test results that had been performed that I had cancer. She felt that it was a cyst, but we needed to be sure and she covered all the bases with me. What if when she got in there she found it was cancer, would I be ok with a total hysterectomy? Did I want her to try to save one of my ovaries because I was so young? Did I want my eggs frozen if possible? So many questions without knowing what we were up against. I told her, do whatever you need to do to make sure I wake up. If I want kids, I can always adopt. I'd rather be alive and have no biological children than have biological children and not be around to watch them grow up. With that said, into surgery we went. Everyone was cautiously optimistic. My parents waited in the waiting room and they put me under. When I woke up in my hospital room, I saw my parents standing at the foot of the bed. The only thing I remember saying is, "What did they do?" My mother, in tears replied "They had to take it all Tracy. It's cancer."

Then I passed out again. That is the last thing I truly remember from that day…the day that my entire life changed.

The next day was a flurry of confusion. I was on serious pain medication but yet still trying to comprehend what was happening to me. The doctor came in and explained the situation to me. When they got me into the operating room, they had to remove 22 liters of fluid in my abdomen. Once that fluid was gone, there was a much clearer picture of what was going on. The fluid had been made by the tumor cells. During the surgery, the doctor took section after section of the mass trying to find where the malignancy stopped and healthy tissue began. None of it was coming back healthy. The end result was I went in to surgery thinking I was having a mass removed and woke up with a total abdominal hysterectomy, an omenectomy, a BSO, pelvic lymph node sampling, and a peritoneal biopsy. Bottom line? I woke up to be told I had stage IV, grade 1 papillary serous ovarian adenocarcinoma. I had cancer. I HAVE cancer.

I was in and out of the hospital for almost two months due to infections, wound issues, and problems healing. I received my first dose of chemotherapy three days after my operation while I was still in the hospital and have been in treatment ever since. I could not work yet due to my chemotherapy regimen and the resulting side effects and to date have not gone back to work. After being out of the hospital a month, I was going stir crazy. I have never been a person who could just sit around the house. I had worked since I was 14 years old and had always had a job. I could not just lay there and let this cancer run my life! I called the university that I had just graduated from and re-enrolled to complete my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice. The courses that I needed to complete where all available online so I was able to work from home on my terms and at the hours that the chemotherapy had me wide-awake at night. It gave me something to do. Taking classes made me focus on something other than having cancer. I needed something to occupy my mind other than being sick. I was still getting treatment and my doctors were working vigorously to get me into remission. I let them do their job and I did mine…getting good grades and focusing on myself for one of the first times in my life in order to get better.

It took me a while to be able to say that I have the big "C". I could say I was sick or not feeling well and everyone knew what I was referring to, but I just could not say the word. Once I was able to do that, I began searching out information on my cancer. I have immersed myself in research about treatments, clinical trials, preventative measures, and advocacy. I sought out books written not only by doctors but also by survivors of ovarian cancer. The problem is, there are not a lot of survivors! Usually by the time a woman is diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she is in the later stages of the disease, which makes it very difficult to treat. I was very disappointed that I could not go to the bookstore and find a book that would tell me what I was in store for or what I could expect in this new fight of my life. There were not even any books that I could order! I decided to start writing and chronicling my journey. I wanted to read a book about someone who is where I am, been where I have been, and understands the challenges and battles that I go through each day. I didn't want to read about the difficulties that doctors were having trying to get funding for research or trying to find new treatment protocols. I wanted to read about someone who was mentally where I was and MADE IT! So that is currently one of my projects on my plate. I will get it done. Set goals and reach high!

I also reached out to other women in my area who are battling this disease and started the first Ovarian Support Group with a very close friend of mine who is also a survivor in our area. We are now at 22 members. I am still working on the book and have so much to say that I do not know when to stop. I am still in treatment 2.5 years later. I just completely my 32nd round of chemotherapy with no break in chemo and no remission. I cannot say that it has been easy. Going to treatment every 3 weeks for the past 2.5 years has taken a toll on me. I get very frustrated that my body cannot do what my brain says a 38-year-old woman's body should do, but I try. There are days that lead into a week that I cannot leave the house because my while blood cell count is too low and I'm susceptible to infection or my red blood cell count is too low that I have no energy. On those days, I try to remember that I will feel better. Just hold out for a few more days and the way I feel will get better. I feel like a mostly normal human for about 8 days between treatments and I make the most out of those 8 days. Nevertheless, I have my bad days too. Everyone does and if they say they don't, they are lying. When I feel that way, I allow myself to feel bad. I get mad. I get sad. I get depressed. Then I get up and start fighting again. I will continue on fighting until I have no fight left which, God willing, will not be for a VERY long time. I have a lot yet to do in my lifetime and I will not give up fighting or trying until I have accomplished all that I was put here to do. When I was initially diagnosed, they didn't think that I'd be here today. I love to prove people wrong! I may have cancer, but cancer does NOT have me!!

-Tracy Gorden

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